Dear Self,
I wanna be as free as the spirits of those who left
I’m talking Malcolm, Coltrane, my man Yusef
Through death grew conception, new breath and resurrection
Common, Be
Remember when we first heard those words, the feeling of excitement, the euphoria, the awe of feeling like the music was speaking in passion into existence. It's been far too long since we have felt like that. It has been far too long since I’ve checked in with you. Not the passing, how are you doing but a definitive slow introspection of life. There are times when I feel disconnected. When I feel like I am losing myself, I stop to take a look at myself to ensure we are still on the path we set for ourselves. Let’s see where this takes us as I am writing to understand how things are going, and hopefully, you will find comfort and insight in me checking in.
I'm reminding of the words from Sweather weather,
And all I am is a man
I want the world in my hands.
- The Neighbourhood
The words roll off the tongue, and we felt like that at one point. A man striped laid bare before the reality that is life. Raw and empowered. Before life got complicated before, we were in a world that rewards and shames business. Sometime in the last few years, we lost touch with what we were working toward. Why we started blogging, why we had so much passion. The last time we looked inward was more than three years ago.
A lot has changed in that time. I had my second child, lost my grandfather, stop speaking to my inlaws, and finished graduate school. Each of those events has taken a toll on me in more ways than I often choose to admit, but you know all this. It time we talk. A serious conversation about what we want from life. Is this it? Is this as far as we go? Are you content with the way our life has turned out?
The sort answer “No,” the long answer maybe. You see, we have plotted this course. We wanted a career, a family, and friends. I can say we have two of those but, there is so much more that we still have yet to accomplish. It is not time, and I sometimes think for us to make big waves. I reason the pragmatist has become cynic. It’s time to ask the tricky question, what’s holding you back? Are you fearful, hesitant? What are you waiting for? I’m waiting for the opportunity. The right moment to take the plunge, and maybe it is now, but I’m not sure. I have been wrestling with what is the right way to do things. Improving my productivity, building habits, but now we are at the cliff. Do we stay stagnant or jump.
It’s like that Common song, GO:
A new chapter she was after so I said let’s
(Go) To a place that you wanna be, uh
Get what you want from her and me, uh
(Go) Free love I wanna see, uh
Hot sex in the third degree, uh
(Go) You gettin’ served while servin’ me, uh
Dirty words encourage me to
Rock steady and sturdily on
You turnin’ me no turnin’ back the further we
I guess it’s my time to put these thoughts and fears behind me. What do you think… GO!
